This was a long time ago (just over thirty years ago--I was 19). I took the holiness standards very, very seriously. Very Seriously. But I also realized that I couldn't keep them. I skipped Sunday evening church twice so I could watch "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" on my landlady's TV. The guilt for doing that consumed me. I took everything so very, very seriously. I developed insane headaches every Sunday from the stress. I got to the point where I thought I'd be better off dead, because then I wouldn't feel like I was constantly breaking the rules and disappointing Jesus.
It was extremely difficult. I'd dropped out of college (where I was an honor student) and moved in with church people. Consequently, I wasn't on good relations with my parents and I had to apologize when I moved back to the house.
Then I had nightmares for weeks and months afterward about how I'd abandoned the church. Important church members showed up in my dreams to remonstrate with me. For sure I was going to hell. I became suicidal. The mother of one of my high school friends had to basically talk me "off the ledge." She'd seen me in the hall at the community college and told me to come to her house to talk to her as I looked awful.
For about a year afterward, I went to another UPC with a friend of mine from the community college. Then I went off to university in another city. Now I live in an entirely different state. I've occasionally dropped in on church but never felt compelled to stay.
Now, considering that on some days I think of myself as an agnostic and on others an atheist, I'd say that I'd gone way beyond your concerns and I can't answer your question.
Yes. I miss the certainty I had then. But I also don't miss the incredible strain I was under.
I also wish that I'd been diagnosed and treated for chronic major depression then. But that didn't happen for another two decades.
Maybe if I hadn't left so abruptly. But I really was just this side of a nervous breakdown or worse.
Since I can't say that I believe God exists, I don't have a walk with God. As for self-condemnation and brainwashing, after this long, the answer's no. If anything, I'm probably exceedingly cynical about people's motivations. I know I always question my own motivations. "Am I doing X because I think it will get me in good graces?" I ask the question far less now that I am not sure if God exists.
I should note that I live with a real contradiction: I went to a newish Apostolic church last Sunday and the pastor pegged me right off as having Apostolic background. (I'm still trying to figure out how he could tell; it couldn't just be the long hair.) However, I felt compelled to go home that afternoon and write a long list of "Why I'd Make a Lousy Apostolic." Of course, the list started with, "Some days I'm agnostic and some days I'm atheist."
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