The majority of the responses I have seen say he should just do whatever makes his wife happy and I'm sure this is true to some degree.
But if he is honestly telling her not to worry and nothing is going on then isn't the flip side that she should do what makes him happy and not worry about him and his ex?
It isn't just about making his wife happy; it's about protecting their relationship above all others. Therefore, a man (or woman) should choose whatever keeps the relationship secure. Any wavering in another direction is a danger sign. If my husband would rather upset me in order to retain the privilege of talking to an old flame, that would be a HUGE problem. His willingness to risk my anger or hurt would be more revealing than anything else.
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In other words I think the whole argument that he is wrong unless he does what makes her happy in this situation doesn't follow. There isn't anything inherently wrong in sending an email to an ex that you are about to have a class reunion with. So to call what he is doing abuse is just absurd. There is nothing wrong with her worry either though.
No, there isn't anything necessarily wrong with it, UNLESS there were comments that were unnecessary, as was indicated. Business like conversation is one thing; handing out free and easy compliments and referencing a past intimate relationship favorably is out of line. I didn't call what he did abusive, but it's definitely inappropriate. If it wasn't appropriate initially, it became inappropriate after his wife asked him to stop talking to her. When it comes to communiques with people of the opposite sex, your spouse gets to weigh in on that--if you care about the sanctity of your marriage, that is. Furthermore, women have a 6th sense about these kinds of things. A wise husband trusts his wife's advice. There's no downside here; if he stops talking to this woman, he doesn't lose an existing relationship--he only gains the trust & respect of his wife, and makes her happy. Again, if a man is having to weigh one side against the other, that is a problem in and of itself.
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Now, it is true that him wanting to stop contact voluntarily would be the best solution. But you can't make someone do something voluntarily and the more he is coerced into doing this the more negative effects will follow.
Of course she can't force him to stop talking to the woman! However, when I want something, I insist on it. Since my "put my foot down" moments are few and far between, my husband usually pays attention when it happens.
I do think we should pick our battles, and this is one I would pick. If I thought something inappropriate was happening, or at least on the horizon, I wouldn't hesitate to say, "You need to stop talking to her right now." This is definitely a battle where I would push the issue.
When my husband gets emails from old friends, male or female, he always tells me about it. We also don't have any secret passwords on our computers, email addresses, facebook accounts, etc. Husbands and wives should be accountable to one another.
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"God, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. And sever any tie in my heart except the tie that binds my heart to Yours."
--David Livingstone
"To see no being, not God’s or any, but you also go thither,
To see no possession but you may possess it—enjoying all without labor or purchase—
abstracting the feast, yet not abstracting one particle of it;…."
--Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass, Song of the Open Road
My wife is free to read all my emails, AFF posts and even PMs from AFF. There have been situations where I deleted "friends" from Facebook because she thought I was being too nice. She told me that she trusts me, but doesn't trust the motives of the other women.
That being said, I've also had to defend some friendships with women folk. In a few cases, I've had her read all correspondence and point out anything that has even a hint of being inappropriate.
I try to be understanding because one of her best friend's husband reconnected with an old flame through the internet, and left his wife to marry her!
__________________ Words: For when an emoticon just isn't enough.
My wife logs on to my facebook acct now and then, to work my farm. I don't do the farming thing, but she needed another neighbor. Just the other day, I joked "sure hope none of my girlfriends start a chat while you're on there!"
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Hebrews 13:23 Know ye that our brother Timothy is set at liberty
Your friend has no power over what he does. She only has power over what she chooses to do.
Choice 1: Become wonderful and awesome to her husband. He's right there. There's her chance.
Choice 2: "Stand her ground" and end up another alone, middle-aged, desperate divorcee who couldn't hold her home together. Dime a dozen, that crowd
Which choice would be the best choice overall?
I've stood my ground several times, and we've been happily married for over 15 years. Standing my ground doesn't mean I'm not wonderful or awesome to my husband. BECAUSE I'm wonderful and awesome to my husband, I have the privilege of standing my ground when necessary.
The two choices you present aren't mutually exclusive.
My mother recently told me a story about my Dad I had never heard before. My grandparents lived right next door to my parents for many years, and my mother stayed home with four kids, stair steps. She was a great wife, slim, attractive, attentive, a good homemaker, a good mother, nothing at all to complain about. One day, my Grandpa came over (my Dad's dad) and told my mother that she needed to go check on my Dad. Apparently there was a young divorcee in town with 5 children, and my Dad was doing maintenance work on her house.
My Grandpa knew that men have a soft spot for "damsels in distress", and my father was feeling sorry for this young, pretty woman, having to deal with her house and kids all by herself. Believe it or not, THAT is a dangerous situation for a married man. So my mother dressed up really nice, and drove over to where my Dad was working, walked in, and just said, "Hi! I'm _____'s wife! Hi, honey!" Making her presence known was all that was necessary. That was the last day my Dad worked on that house.
They were married for over 50 years, until my Dad passed away in 2004. I believe it is perfectly fine to stand your ground, if that's what it takes to protect your marriage. Should you be a jealous shrew? No. Should you drawing lines in the sand occasionally? Yes--that's not only permissible, but necessary.
__________________
"God, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. And sever any tie in my heart except the tie that binds my heart to Yours."
--David Livingstone
"To see no being, not God’s or any, but you also go thither,
To see no possession but you may possess it—enjoying all without labor or purchase—
abstracting the feast, yet not abstracting one particle of it;…."
--Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass, Song of the Open Road
(laughing) happy hubbys don't play with fire. Ever.
So it's always the wife's fault, then, if a man cheats?
__________________
"God, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. And sever any tie in my heart except the tie that binds my heart to Yours."
--David Livingstone
"To see no being, not God’s or any, but you also go thither,
To see no possession but you may possess it—enjoying all without labor or purchase—
abstracting the feast, yet not abstracting one particle of it;…."
--Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass, Song of the Open Road
A wise person once told me that using the word "but" invalidates everything in the sentence ahead of it.......
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Originally Posted by Mr. Steinway
My wife is free to read all my emails, AFF posts and even PMs from AFF. There have been situations where I deleted "friends" from Facebook because she thought I was being too nice. She told me that she trusts me, but doesn't trust the motives of the other women.
That being said, I've also had to defend some friendships with women folk. In a few cases, I've had her read all correspondence and point out anything that has even a hint of being inappropriate.
I try to be understanding because one of her best friend's husband reconnected with an old flame through the internet, and left his wife to marry her!
However, when I want something, I insist on it. Since my "put my foot down" moments are few and far between, my husband usually pays attention when it happens. 
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