Originally Posted by Aquila
I thumbs upped it because it's the Scripture, and no matter what it is true. Even if I find myself not being able to live up to it or fully understand it all. I've tried trying. I've tried trying harder. I've done the legalism thing (you've beat up me thoroughly with it already, I get it). I've tried not trying at all and simply relying on some "new nature" to guide me. I've tried praying until I just sit and stare not knowing what else to confess, to repent of, or to do. I've tried to just focus on loving God and loving others, and still that wasn't enough. And... so far, nothing has worked for me. I might get as far as a day or two without sinning and then, I'm flat on my face again. Rather it be anger, lust, covetousness, etc... in a day or two, I'm back on the ropes. I think I hear the Spirit whispering "grace", but nobody believes in that sloppy agape, even I can't grasp it. I mean, why would God pardon me when I can't stop sinning? Sometimes I want to scream into the heavens, "I hate what I am, I didn't ask to be born. If this is some kind of sick joke, can you please just hurry up with the punchline? You win. I'm tired. I don't want to hurt anyone... I just want to be... happy."
I've tried ultra-cons, I've tried liberal churches, I've tried so called moderate churches, I've rolled with the Reformed, charismatics, etc. Every last one of them was a joke. All of them were equally "trying" whatever it was they thought was the answer (some even trying hard to not try! lol)... but all were failing miserably.
I listen to all the sinless holiness talk... but NO ONE has yet to step up to the plate who is actually living the sinless life the Bible demands and show me how to get this right for a change.
I've tied a knot at the end of the rope and I'm hanging on for dear life. But, I'll be honest... sometimes just the thought of walking away from it all allows me to breath easier.
I'm not being a jerk here guys. I feel like crying. But I've cried over this for so many years, and it hasn't helped yet.
I feel like I'm drowning. And the closer I feel that I get to God in prayer, the more evident it becomes that I'm a wretch. An absolute failure. It's the most depressing feeling, I can't even describe it. It's like an utter hopelessness. I've excelled in so many areas of my life most would think I have nothing to fear or that could make me feel like a failure. But this does. And this is what has always mattered most to me. Everything else from military service to what I do for a living now doesn't mean anything to me compared to this. But this is the one thing I feel God dangling in front of me... and I've discovered, I can't ever reach it, grasp it, and attain it.
I need help. I need someone who is actually living this thing to show me how it is done. Broad theological discourses are often like communism. They sound good on paper... but when applied... it still doesn't work. Every mentor and pastor I've had was flawed. I'm not going to bash them and list the things I discovered in their closets, but they weren't living it. They were great people, but they didn't even have the victory the Bible speaks of.
I'm hurting, I'm tired, and I really want to get this with all my heart... but I'm feeling really, really, discouraged. I dig politics because it isn't so close to home for me. We can debate economics and politics all day and I can ignore the pain I feel spiritually. But the reality is... I can't bring myself to give up... but if I could, I would.
I'm no victim. I'm to blame for my condition. No devil made me like this. No preacher made me this way. But I have yet to find the secret to all of this.
I really feel hopeless today.
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