Are you sure you're saved?

[Maple Leaf]

Are you sure you’re saved?

Here’s the way it breaks down for me:

My only hope of salvation is in Jesus Christ, and I have hope.

But if the Bible is only legend, and Christ no more than a fine teacher, here’s my chances:

Atheism: I’m good here because I’m in the middle of a great life and there’s enough of me to fertilize the flowers when I’m gone.

Buddhism: I’ll throw my hat into the cosmic lottery, and I think that my chances of coming back as something at least as favourable as a house cat are pretty good. I could stand a decade of lying in the sun and having my belly scratched anyway.

Hinduism: With a million or so gods to check with to see if I’m on anybody’s guest list I’m sure that I’ll be able to make it in, and if not I’ll still be glad that I missed the mud (I hope it’s mud) bath in the sacred river.

Judaism: Oops!

Mormonism: I may not get to wear the sacred underwear, but at least I’ll get to spend eternity in Heaven’s basement apartment. And, that beats the Jehovah’s Witness alternative of spending eternity all ashed up in an urn. (I know ashed isn’t a word, but, hey, this is English and we’re free to make up words as needed)

Liberal Denominations: I’ve got a good shot with the Social Gospel because I’m a pretty sociable sort of guy, and I’m a shoe in for the Universalist’s Heaven.

Calvinism: I’ve got this one covered because I genuinely believed in my heart and sincerely confessed with my mouth, and neither God nor sin nor Oneness Pentecostalism is enough to keep me out.

Fundamentalism: The Catholics are probably my best chance in this category as Mary has a lot of sway, and I’ve got the kind of face that only a mother could love. My strategy for if the AMF, WPF, or UPC take charge of Heaven is to just wait until they have their first split and join which ever group will take me.

The Religious Right: If the Trinitarian Pentecostals or the Free Will Baptists are really the religious right, I’m out of luck, but at least I’ll finally be able to spend the cold months somewhere warm.