It always amazes me that in most situations people are more concerned about what the other person should do than about what they should do. This can't be about what her husband should do. This has got to be about what she should do in response to his actions and so far I haven't seen anyone saying anything other than the husband should just quit.
She definately needs to communicate how this is effecting her to her husband. If he will not end this relationship there is a serious issue. Perhaps she should recomend counseling. If he is unwilling, she should ask his honest intentions. If he intends on "investigating this new prospect" she should consider separation and perhaps dissolution or even divorce.
The majority of the responses I have seen say he should just do whatever makes his wife happy and I'm sure this is true to some degree.
But if he is honestly telling her not to worry and nothing is going on then isn't the flip side that she should do what makes him happy and not worry about him and his ex?
In other words I think the whole argument that he is wrong unless he does what makes her happy in this situation doesn't follow. There isn't anything inherently wrong in sending an email to an ex that you are about to have a class reunion with. So to call what he is doing abuse is just absurd. There is nothing wrong with her worry either though.
Now, it is true that him wanting to stop contact voluntarily would be the best solution. But you can't make someone do something voluntarily and the more he is coerced into doing this the more negative effects will follow.
Ultimately I think she should stand her ground and remind him that it bothers her and that she would like him to stop having contact with his ex. Either he will be pushed to give up contact with the ex or he will finally convince her that there is nothing to worry about. Both of these solutions have negatives though but basically I don't think their relationship will work if she remains in worry about him talking to his ex.
But I'm 22 and not married so what do I know...
..not much.
__________________
Master of Science in Applied Disgruntled Religious Theorist Wrangling
PhD in Petulant Tantrum Quelling
Dean of the School of Hard Knocks
The majority of the responses I have seen say he should just do whatever makes his wife happy and I'm sure this is true to some degree.
But if he is honestly telling her not to worry and nothing is going on then isn't the flip side that she should do what makes him happy and not worry about him and his ex?
In other words I think the whole argument that he is wrong unless he does what makes her happy in this situation doesn't follow. There isn't anything inherently wrong in sending an email to an ex that you are about to have a class reunion with. So to call what he is doing abuse is just absurd. There is nothing wrong with her worry either though.
Now, it is true that him wanting to stop contact voluntarily would be the best solution. But you can't make someone do something voluntarily and the more he is coerced into doing this the more negative effects will follow.
Ultimately I think she should stand her ground and remind him that it bothers her and that she would like him to stop having contact with his ex. Either he will be pushed to give up contact with the ex or he will finally convince her that there is nothing to worry about. Both of these solutions have negatives though but basically I don't think their relationship will work if she remains in worry about him talking to his ex.
But I'm 22 and not married so what do I know...
When you've been married for a few years, get back to us with your educated opinion.
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"God, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. And sever any tie in my heart except the tie that binds my heart to Yours."
--David Livingstone
"To see no being, not God’s or any, but you also go thither,
To see no possession but you may possess it—enjoying all without labor or purchase—
abstracting the feast, yet not abstracting one particle of it;…."
--Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass, Song of the Open Road
Well, I have a few years on you - - 54 years old - - was married 24 years and had a husband that found interests somewhere outside his committment, so I could bore you with all the details or you could just understand that experience is the best teacher.
I think many are missing this very important part:
"In one of the e-mails, my friend's husband said to his ex-girlfriend that she had been remarkable when he knew her, and felt she was probably even more amazing today".
This isn't your normal - can't wait to see how your life's been since HS graduation, meet your husband and see your kid's pictures.
He's opened a door with that one sentence. How the ex-girlfriend replied will determine the next step.
__________________
Master of Science in Applied Disgruntled Religious Theorist Wrangling
PhD in Petulant Tantrum Quelling
Dean of the School of Hard Knocks
I've read AFF for several months and come now with a question to help my friend.
The friend and her husband are both Christians, UPC backgrounds. My friend's husband left his e-mail page open and she noticed several e-mails from him and another person, and read them. Turned out, the person was an ex-girlfriend of her husband's (one he had slept with). The ex-girlfriend had joined a group called "Classmates" because the reunion of their graduating class was coming up, and she saw my friend's husband was a member and contacted him.
Several e-mails went back and forth between my friend's husband and his ex-girlfriend. In one of the e-mails, my friend's husband said to his ex-girlfriend that she had been remarkable when he knew her, and felt she was probably even more amazing today. My friend talked about this with her husband, and he tried to downplay it, and said she was over-reacting.
Long story short, they've been talking about this entire situation. My friend feels her husband shouldn't stay in touch with this woman, or with other ex-girlfriends. She feels it's borderline emotional adultery. Her husband says he doesn't see any harm in it.
She wants to know why a man (especially one who is a Christian) would stay in touch with a former girlfriend (especially one he slept with). She is also wondering how other husbands and wives feel about this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jfrog
The majority of the responses I have seen say he should just do whatever makes his wife happy and I'm sure this is true to some degree.
But if he is honestly telling her not to worry and nothing is going on then isn't the flip side that she should do what makes him happy and not worry about him and his ex?
In other words I think the whole argument that he is wrong unless he does what makes her happy in this situation doesn't follow. There isn't anything inherently wrong in sending an email to an ex that you are about to have a class reunion with. So to call what he is doing abuse is just absurd. There is nothing wrong with her worry either though.
Now, it is true that him wanting to stop contact voluntarily would be the best solution. But you can't make someone do something voluntarily and the more he is coerced into doing this the more negative effects will follow.
Ultimately I think she should stand her ground and remind him that it bothers her and that she would like him to stop having contact with his ex. Either he will be pushed to give up contact with the ex or he will finally convince her that there is nothing to worry about. Both of these solutions have negatives though but basically I don't think their relationship will work if she remains in worry about him talking to his ex.
But I'm 22 and not married so what do I know...
As a married man, the bolded quote above is what's wrong with his continued communications with his ex whom he slept with.
The wife shouldn't give an inch on this. Were I in her position and it was my wife writing junk like this, we'd be having a talk and if she was as stupid as this guy and said I was just over-reacting ... we'd be having some counseling sessions. And if it continued or went further, I'd be visiting a lawyer.
You'll get wiser about this kind of thing once you're married...
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