Do you think Revelations is enigmatic?

[Evang.Benincasa]

Originally Posted by Aquila

I've tied a knot at the end of the rope and I'm hanging on for dear life. But, I'll be honest... sometimes just the thought of walking away from it all allows me to breath easier.

I'm not being a jerk here guys. I feel like crying. But I've cried over this for so many years, and it hasn't helped yet.

I feel like I'm drowning. And the closer I feel that I get to God in prayer, the more evident it becomes that I'm a wretch. An absolute failure. It's the most depressing feeling, I can't even describe it. It's like an utter hopelessness. I've excelled in so many areas of my life most would think I have nothing to fear or that could make me feel like a failure. But this does. And this is what has always mattered most to me. Everything else from military service to what I do for a living now doesn't mean anything to me compared to this. But this is the one thing I feel God dangling in front of me... and I've discovered, I can't ever reach it, grasp it, and attain it.

I need help. I need someone who is actually living this thing to show me how it is done. Broad theological discourses are often like communism. They sound good on paper... but when applied... it still doesn't work. Every mentor and pastor I've had was flawed. I'm not going to bash them and list the things I discovered in their closets, but they weren't living it. They were great people, but they didn't even have the victory the Bible speaks of.

I'm hurting, I'm tired, and I really want to get this with all my heart... but I'm feeling really, really, discouraged. I dig politics because it isn't so close to home for me. We can debate economics and politics all day and I can ignore the pain I feel spiritually. But the reality is... I can't bring myself to give up... but if I could, I would.

I'm no victim. I'm to blame for my condition. No devil made me like this. No preacher made me this way. But I have yet to find the secret to all of this.

I really feel hopeless today.

I am happy that all this is remedied.